JOURNAL, Wednesday, Feb. 14th

You can be happy if you let yourself be.
(“Happiness Runs”, Donovan Leitch)

“I am a happy and confident person, and I love to work with children”

Jean has had me working with “affirmations”: positive statements that you repeat to yourself whenever you think of it, and whenever you need a shot of positive energy. She says that they’re powerful tools in bringing about a change in attitude.

Since the incident with Nat, I find that I need all the positive energy I can get.

I’m surprised how much that episode effected me – how revealing it was in showing me different aspects of what’s going on inside me. I realized that I have a need to protect, and a desperate desire to see children in a pure light. I want to safeguard that which is positive about each kid that I care about. And much to my frustration and surprise, Nat became one of those kids right in the middle of my tirade.

The principal came to talk to me about what happened that day. I was embarrassed, mainly because I didn’t know how to explain to him what Nat had done. Neither did I know how to defend my reaction.

I don’t handle criticism well – I guess I never got used to it. When I was at school, the kids were either mean or dismissive – both reactions hurt equally. Bill never criticized; he always thought that everything I did was fine. Sometimes I wish we had fought more, like in other parent/child relationships. I wish he had thought more about the things that I was doing, enough to be bothered fighting about them. Mom’s criticism, when it came, was seldom grounded in the reality of a situation. She would scream that I was too stupid to remember to lock the door to the apartment, when I could clearly see that the bolt was turned to the horizontal locked position.

The only criticism that I trust or listen to is my own. I’ve worked so hard to do things well, to keep peace and please people, precisely so I can avoid having to deal with negative comments coming from outside. And now in the wake of this business with Nat, I feel angry and confused and embarrassed. So I return to my affirmation in the blind belief that it will make me feel better.


“ I am a happy and confident person, and I love to work with children.”


It doesn’t so much matter that you believe what you’re saying with affirmations; you just have to say it as if you believe it, and surprisingly, it often works. It’s quite remarkable.

Today is Valentine’s Day and as I write this, I’m looking at the roses that Danny brought me: strong stemmed, rich in colour and texture. They make me want to reach out and fondle them, believing that they could withstand my needy fingers. Their beauty is a positive in my life.

I need to identify other positives: Danny, Pussywillow, my apartment, the kids. Dreaming about the leaves coming back to the trees, walking along the lakeshore, drinking tea in the morning, wearing a fleecy jacket, decadent brownies. Thinking of these things brings me peace.

I spent some time at the Valentine’s dance after school today. The music was loud and retro: I recognized almost every second song as being a remake of music from another era. The new version of “Grease” was a remake of one that had been retro in its first appearance, decades ago.

As I stood by the gym door taking my turn at supervision, I scanned the crowd looking for examples of goodness that might help me reinforce the positive perspective I’m working towards. “Awkward” is the prevalent adjective at any pre-teen dance. Shyness, expectation, hesitation make for anxious and uncomfortable pauses between periods of frenzied activity for many kids. It’s hard to find anything of the sweet and pure in the throbbing bass and the sweaty smell of nervous anticipation.

Then blossoming from a crowd of kids who’ve been clinging to the gym wall through most of the dance, I see Todd: our school’s White Knight. Todd is in grade 8, he’s a star athlete, a good student, tall and handsome. No one has been able to convince him yet that because of all of these qualities, he could get away with being a jerk and all the kids would still love him.

Todd was one of the boys who shaved his head last month to raise money for cancer research, and he was the one who convinced two of his friends to do the same. Todd is the one who makes it cool in our school to be kind and considerate to the little ones. He was the only boy who volunteered at the beginning of the year to be a lunchroom monitor for the primary classes. He’s the one who scores the most points in all the team sports, yet is hardest to find for team pictures. And today, Todd was the one at the Valentine’s dance, animating this group of shy and awkward grade 5 kids, leading them all in “The Macarena”.

“…I love to work with children!”

Copyright 2003